Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Farewell to a friend.... RIP Sankalp sir !!!!!

The rotors went on, the blades dying, using their own momentum in attempt to bury themselves in ground. They couldn't take the shame of taking a precious life of a son, a friend, a brother, moreover a decent human. Earth retaliated, blades broke. All the energy from unlimited sources of physics was converted into an impact and sound. That didn't move the earth, but it did change the world for few.

We need to build millions of little moments of caring on an individual level. Sankalp sir truly believed in this. The quivering voice, the always calm face, those kind eyes, the hilarious comments, you name a quality and you can feel the hint of it there. A good chopper pilot, a better human!

I met him long back, in NDA. A year senior to us, he belonged to our over-study course. Despite very little interaction due to his composed nature, he happened to be the safest senior. Always ready to listen, and always helpful. Time went by, they passed out from academy, i broke from the stream and went to civil world. Then I saw him on Face-book. Added him and gradually spoke to him. It is amazing to talk to anyone from Sqn, you can feel the warmth with each word exchanged. The memories come flying by, making you smile without reason. Without reason is reason enough.

He told that he is in Siliguri. I just knew it's somewhere in east. He told it was fun being there. He was also planning for a leave, and promised to meet me once he passes from Delhi. It never happened, he left, without passing from Delhi.

On 11-Sep-2010, a Chetak helicopter started it's engine. It seemed to be a nice day for a air lift. Flight was going to last 90 minutes.The chopper was on its way to Baghdogra air base from air force station Kalaikunda in West Bengal when it encountered bad weather and crashed near Sinharsi air base along the border of Pakur and Godda districts of Jharkhand.

And that ended a life full with life. As the spirit dissolved in thin air, Sankalp sir left us.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Happy Anniversary my Enfield !!!!

I got this beauty about 2 years back. And with each day, i loved it more.. and more... and more, can't say the same about the girls in my life, or chocolate muffins, my coin collection and anything else.... The Thump gets better day by day, and the machine grows in you....

You can’t get much more authentic than a Royal Enfield Bullet 350 (people with 500 variant, I envy you all...). Practically every bit of it is solid metal with a chromed, painted or brushed finish. Its fenders are worthy of the name and the golden pinstripes hand-painted. It’s not a restored classic, but a new machine – one of around one million that have rolled out of the factory in the Indian city of Madras since 1955. It has the charm of classical strength, and the marvels which modern technology can donate.

Yet that doesn’t make starting her any easier, as the Indian beauty with the English genes is being uncooperative. Starting the bike soon becomes a meditative ritual. Everything ready? Choke? Check. Fuel tap? Check. Kickstarter in the correct position? Check. Gear? A glance down to the pointer on the gearbox cover: Check. Wait – a quick look at the spark plug: wet, from my previous attempts. But now – a deep breath, focus, and kick! The 350cc single shudders, spits and rumbles to life. A smooth tickover? for the entire duration of a red light at the busiest intersection in town.

With its modest 22 horsepower, the Bullet won’t be blowing away any Porsches. And yet, it inspires a sense of enlightenment, leaving you time for continuous new discoveries along your regular routes. The constant urge to pass is soon replaced by a sense of inner focus – gentle, peaceful biking zen. Out on the open road, the Bullet gradually inches up to its Vmax of 120 km/h, the speedo needle bouncing in time to the good vibrations.

And that leaves you wishing.... that you can say your machine that.... Will you marry me ??

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Tech Mahindra Limited – “A place with full of politics; It's full stop to your career growth”

Tech Mahindra Limited (India): (Current Employee)


Nice place to sit in cafeteria and spend your time
Flexible in timings of working hours
Cultural events
If you are a senior manager and above here, then you are settled. No need to work all.
All poor people from 3 yrs to 10 yrs experience will fight within themselves and work like hell in order to get a good appraisal. And finally you don't need to give them good appraisal; give some crap and promise that they will be recognized in the next appraisal. Keep doing the same until they leave the company. Continue the same logic for new employees. This is our Mantra!!!


you join as a fresher in this company with 2.6 lakhs per annum.
And after 10 years you resign from the company as a senior technical associate with the salary 5.8 lakhs per annum. Considerably good growth. But I don't see this as a negative point because these 10 yrs you simply did some crap work nobody cared. Now, you don't have any technical skills, but you can do some crap work on whatever project you are assigned to. so you cannot move out of the company; also the company do not leave you. it's a sentimental employer-employee association.

On the other hand, the important disadvantage or issue here is:
Now you are a 10 yrs experienced person with 5.8 lakhs salary and your title is associate.
But at the same time another guy joins your team with 4 yrs experience with 8.2 lakhs salary and with the title same associate. Now the ego starts. you both fight each other. spoil the environment. management also encourages this because only when there is a competition, employees work well. So totally every employee loses peace of mind.

Advice to Senior Management

completely revise all your crap policies.
change the organization hierarchy.
tg1, tg2, tg3, etc., it's crap.
a person needs to wait nearly 5 yrs for promotion and gets frustated.
think something like tg1.5, tg1.8, tg2, tg2.5, tg2.8, tg3.0
i'm not literally meaning that. but some gradual growth.
make sure your key technical resource and a fresher do not have similar salaries and similar titles.
i often saw freshers with title technical associate and very very important key resource with the same title. then how will you satisfy the poor ego of human beings?? obviously there is much politics. Senior management never cared about this. appraisal system is crap. promotion is completely based on your immediate manager. if your immediate manager is a fraud, then your life is ruined out. performance measurement mechanism should be changed. team work should be encouraged instead of individual performance which leads to ego issues and spoils environment.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Being a civilian after doing your bit in DEFENSE..... a career advise

I recall interviewing an ex-PARA-SF who was trying to land a civilian job after his VRS.
He realized that most people thought his skills consisted of landing on beaches and blowing things up. "Impressive skills, but not really needed in the business world," I thought "As a result, I reframed his experience to highlight his abilities to lead small teams as well as creative problem solving and planning in the face of uncertainty."
While civilian employers may respect military experience, they may struggle to see it as relevant to their workplace. The challenge for veterans is to present their background in ways that civilians can understand and appreciate.

Talk the talk

The first thing that must go is military jargon. Job titles and codes that are second nature to military personnel are like a foreign language to many hiring managers, so translation is essential.
A top HR executive, Pia suggests converting military skills to civilian equivalents using a similar position which their civilian counterparts are aware of.. The civilian job description will also list skills, knowledge and attributes commonly held by someone in that position. So, for example, a CQMH would be a logistician or, alternately, an integrated logistics support manager or a production planner."
Armed with this information, she then recommends job seekers "get busy on a site like and search on the very general and the very specific job titles." Reading through ads will give the applicant a better idea of qualifications needed for various civilian jobs and will provide insight about key words to use on a résumé.

Putting your best self forward

"Military professionals are groomed to lead others and excel in a team-oriented environment," says Suresh Pathak, master résumé writer and personal brand strategist for a premier recruitment website. "Consequently, they find it hard to really market and promote themselves as effectively as they should in the job search process."
Experts offer these tips to help men in uniform sort through their experiences when creating application materials:

• Focus the cover letter on skills most pertinent to the given position; don't give a generic summary of everything you're qualified to do.
• Tailor the résumé to the specific job, and keep it to a maximum of two pages.
• Scour military performance reviews for relevant achievements (and to jog your memory).
• Use numbers, percentages, statistics and other concrete examples when possible to demonstrate competencies.

Education and training

Pia notes that military professionals often have completed hundreds of courses, training assignments and certifications. Instead of turning the education section of the résumé into a laundry list, however, she recommends "cherry picking" to make sure the training that is most relevant to the given position is apparent.
Suresh suggests listing any training that is applicable to the job whether or not you have a degree or a certificate. "For example, you may have had one class in wireless communications and another in management out of 355 hours of training on a wide range of topics. In the résumé under a training or education heading, write 'More than 350 hours of professional development training including wireless communications and management."

Remember you're a civilian now

While a veteran's military background will always be a part of his identification, it is important to keep in mind that hiring managers encountered for civilian jobs may not have the same thoughts or experiences.
"Everyone has an opinion about the war," says Varun Salaria, a V&A trainer for new joinees. "Keep emotion out of the equation, and stay neutral."
Experts generally recommend avoiding potentially charged words such as "war," "warfare" or "weapons" (unless applicable to the specific industry). Likewise, it is better to concentrate on your skills and why you are the best candidate for the position rather than focusing on the military conflict or combat.
Remember, though, that military experience has helped you become who you are today, so bring confidence to the civilian job hunt.

"Most, if not all, learned skills can be transferred to any company or industry, whether it is around the block or around the world," Pia says. "The armed forces also instill the highly regarded qualities of being all that you can be as well as being a team player. What company wouldn't want to hire a person who can communicate how their military skills and qualifications can save time, save money or make money for their business?"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My Girl Friend, Basanti !!!

I am young, a youth member of this rising economy but I am not social scientist, not a social activist who stand with megha patkar, I am not a intellectual liberated youth instance who sips coffee and holds an opinion on everything from Union Budget to indo-pak on Baluchistan issue and to double India’s GDP over night. Actually I am a simple guy with views as superficial as John Abraham's acting skills and my understanding of social trends runs as short as the skirt of the kareena kapoor in kambakt ishq. But lately, I am beginning to notice the subtle extermination of a rather happy social species - The Single male

Having a girlfriend says two things about a guy

1. On a look index, guy ranks somewhere between Hrithik and Shahrukh

2. On a financial index, guy ranks somewhere between two ambani brothers

Not having a girlfriend also says two things about a guy

1. He is gay.

2. He is definitely gay.

Array yaar kuch to sharam karo, Abu Salem ki bhi girl friend hai and Mika, uski to do-do girlfriend hai. I mean Guys who aren't even close to respecting a woman have girlfriends. Its seems that every one is going around now days.

And this social development confuses me and poses an intriguing question - When everyone around me is "going around", and I am single, and not gay, why do I feel a girlfriend is a pretty (or not-so-pretty) friend who eats up personal independence and hikes up phone bills? To make things more rational, let me imagine I have a girlfriend, whom I shall call Basanti as a mark of respect to dream girl (Dharam pa ki) Hema Ji.

Now let me see how 'going around' with Basanti can scratch my life.

1. "Kis se baat kar raha tha?”

Basanti calls me up and finds my number to be busy. Basanti again calls me up after 1 min and 37 seconds again finds my number to be busy. She can’t wait any more she again calls me up after exactly 43 sec And even though she heard the pre recorded Reliance voice says "The number you are trying to call is currently busy. Please try after some time", but Basanti hears "The guy you are trying to call up is highly cheap. He is talking to Shruti right now and is expressing is undying love to her. He may claim he was talking to his mother. Don’t trust him."

Soon after I disconnect the call to ma, Basanti calls me up and before I can say a hello, yells a "Go to *****! And take Shruti along with you!" shattering my eardrum. The insecurity of Basanti. Sigh.

2."Wo kurti bhi pack kar deejiye and wo salwar bhi"

So it is second anniversary of the day me and Basanti first had sms each other and she expects a gift. It's not just a gift, but a sweet 'nishani' which carries the perfumed memories of that lovely day, she says. So I go over to the Palm Beach gallery and searched everything in girls compartment, while in my single days, I would have spent the same time watching CNBC. After a couple of hours, I finally buy a pink kurti which costs me more than the price from which I can come back from goa. All the gifts a Basanti demands/requests/expects.Sigh.

3. Sniff. Sniff.

A fine lazy Sunday afternoon. I lie on the couch flipping between ESPN and HBO. The phone rings.

Me: "hello?"

Basanti: "Sniff. Sniff."

Me: "Abbe kaun hai? agle saal bolega kya ?".

Basanti: "Sniff. It's me, calling from my colleague’s mobile, Basanti. Sniff.".

Me: "Oh ok. You have a cold?"

Basanti: "I am....crying. sob sob..”

Me: "Oh. It sounded just like a running nose though. And I saw Kambakt Ishq yesterday. The movie was so much terrible that even the chairs wanted to leave the hall."

Basanti: "You will never understand...sniff...sniff..."

The emotional intelligence and "understanding" a Basanti needs from me. Sigh.

4. "Mouth close karke kha!”

Me and Basanti are digging into a Grill Sandwich at the corner. While trying to balance a sandwich slice on its journey from the tray to my mouth, a particularly big onion piece slides off its surface and lands on the table with a plop.

Basanti: "Chee. Theek se kha na. Table manners!”

I scoop up the onion piece from the table with my finger put it in my mouth and say cheerfully:

“Table manners gaye bihar, sandwich khane de yaar"

Basanti: "Sheesh. You are disgusting".

While in my single days I could have asked for extra sauce and chatani to make the overall cost of the sandwich little bit lower and chew as noisily as a tractor engine, now I need to take care I don't embarrass the great manners ki dukaan, Basanti. The silly changes a Basanti demands from me. Sigh.

5. “Five missed calls and seventeen mails”

Sorry for the abrupt speed breaker, but chal wapas real world mein aa jata hoon. Actually I am in office but so much scared with the thoughts of Basanti that I couldn’t recognize call and mails. Hiaaalllaaaa…….three miss calls are from my manager……F***

About Basanti, I have around 197 more points I can write against her. But still, saara zamaana, girlfriend’s ka deewana, so there must be something good about Basanti. Just that I don't see it.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

C.R.A.P. - Command Reduction of Army Personnel

As a result of Defense budget cutbacks here in India, we are forced to reduce the size of the defense forces. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.

A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. The program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Soldiers who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Ministry of Defense. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous Defense Enlistment Association Forms (DEAF, currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).

Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase.

CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.

If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.

The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of SH*T our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more SH*T than any other service.

If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough SHIT, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

*** I do not intend to make mirth of Indian Armed Forces. This piece is not intended to portray any sort of disrespect to nation's defense forces valor and reputation. I hope you enjoy this article as a humorous piece.

Friday, March 5, 2010

You know you are from Delhi when...


1. You have faced power-cuts up to 10hours a day!
And yet, its no big deal for you.

2. Even though the hottest party spot/pub in town says "Admit Over 18, Drinks over 25" You have been inside and have enjoyed a beer, being underage.

3. Living in the most posh colonies, you get to hear, "Aloo, Bhindi Pyaaz, Tamatar le loo"... And you hear women asking the vegetable vendor "Bhaiyaa aapne free dhaniya nehi diya!" [Even with Half a kilo Carrot]

4. You have Driven rash and Broken Signals more times than you can count. Doesnt matter whether you have a license or not. :P

5. Every teenager knows atleast one "ghunda" on whose name he can jump around all day.

6. You have seen your relative or family member bribing a policeman at-least once.

7. You have been to Big Chill at-least once.

8. When a car accident occurs, instead of solving the problem quietly, either one of the drivers would start with.. "B******, meri gadi maar di, ab tu ruk, mein teri marta hoon" or something kinda.

9. In the 90's you have been to India Gate and around 2000-2002 you have been to Ansal Plaza more times than you can count.!

10. Mocha,CCD,Barista,Hookah,24x7 are like your favorite hangouts.

11. You just love socializing.

12. You speak or hear the word "setting" or "jugad" at-least once a day.

13. When you stare at a school bus, you see students talking of the phone, care free OR Chilling out listening songs on the Ipod. :P

14. A meter working in a Auto - Miracle! And hear statements like..
# Gas nahi hai
# Gaadi waapis dene ka time ho gaya
# Wahan se waapis ki sawaari nahi milti
# Wahan jaam (traffic jam) mein kaun fasega

15. All guys have at-least been to Pallika bazar and they all know why. Well, even the girls are starting now.

16. This is the place when you actually feel like slapping the same traffic policeman who caught you yesterday... Because today he's on his bike without a helmet or talking on the phone...

17. Qutub Minar, Red Fort, Lotus Temple are just for tourist. You havnt been to more than two of these.

18. You are bored of looking at the LONG queues at the CNG stations! And yeah. It add's up to the traffic.

19. You have an example of Delhi being unsafe for women after Midnight. And now even for men.

20. You wont be surprised if you find some old lady bargaining at a SALE.

21. Young or Old, You have played street football in the rains and have ended up breaking some glass. :P

22. You first abused real bad when you were around 10 years old.

23. Your Dad's really good friends with at least one Public Figure.

24. Library is virtually non-existent unless you go to British council or American Library or Max Mueller Bhavan

25. Deepavali means every house is illuminated to such an extent that you wonder if its a competition of illlumination and cracker bursting is so continuous that it is diffiult to imagine one moment of silence on Diwali.

26. You have had the most RANDOM plans. Like reaching for a movie show which starts at 1pm, at 12:55pm and just hoping that gods left some tickets for you and your friends.

27. You have been warned by your parents at-least once that going at public places like Malls, isnt safe, Cuz there might just a BOMB in that place.

28. You've had a ride on the cycle rickshaw - have haggled over the price but pity the rickshaw wallas' condition.

29. You glare at people who call Gol-Guppa's- Pani Puri!
And you always ask the vendor "Bhaiya yeh Gol-Guppe Aate ki hai ya Sooji ke?"

30. If in school, Your conti got busted by cops, teachers or a combination of both.

31. You've had school cancelled due to cold, summer vacations preponed due to heat and have atleast thrice evacuated your school building after tremors.

32. You've hit 120 kmph at Nelson Mandela Marg.
And after crossing it, you might end up saying " FEEL AA GAYE". OR, You have raced up the DND and taken the U turn back.

33. You have been to a wedding in a Mehrauli farmhouse and have hit Nasha later on.

34. You have taken the 10 rupee Call Center cab/ Qualis from anywhere to Gurgaon/Noida.

35. You have seen a child with crutches begging on the Red Light RUN fast when the light turns green!

36. Almost every Delhi-ite understands Punjabi to an extent. May he belong to any region. PUNJABI unites everyone :P

37. You call the waiter in the restaurant "boss" & tack on "yaar"/ "bhai" to almost every sentence.

38. Rajender Da Dhaba's got better chicken than Taj. :P You've atleast tried it once! And you just might see a BMW, a Porsche OR a Peugeot parked outside it!

39. You have surely heard of "Chor Bazar" but never been there.

40. You use the word and have described practically every other person on the planet as "Vella".

41. 'KAROBAR' = 'Car-O-Bar' i.e. drinking in the car....Hell yeah! thats what we live for! :P

42. You often see Middle Aged Aunties wearing Gucci shades and holding LV bags having Gol-Gappas in GK (Near Prince Pan) or Bhelpuri in South Ex along with Diet Coke !

43. Miranda house and CJM are two places where u'll see people from different school/colleges hang out.

44. In the 90s, movie at Chankaya, momos at Yashwant Place and Hot Choc Fudge at Nirula's = ULTIMATE Fun.

45. School students here, have gone to school, soo early in the morning, it being Dark!..REAL Dark And you've attended those 3am GROUP tuition's during your boards!
Haha.. Spookky! Lol.

46. Almost every Delhite has witnessed a DTC bus brawl turning into street fight.. Yet fun! OR the DTC bus overspeeding/breaking traffic rules/ or disc breaking.

47. You have probably been to Gurudwara Bangla Sahib @ 4 in the morning. Or even at 6 'cuz you were out on a day-bunk!

48. When everyone from the Auto Driver, Vegetable Vendor, Grocery Store guy, Watch-man, Salesperson to just any 'guy' is referred to here as 'Bhaiya'

49. You refer to East Delhi as Jamuna ke Us Paar.

50. You refer to AIIMS as Medical.

51. You dont buy tickets for a music concert or cricket match, but try to take the help of your friend's Dad, who happens to be the PA to the under secretary of the deputy secretary of the chief secretary of the Minister of State for Khadi.

52. You overtake everyone from the wrong side and stare into his/her eyes while doing so.

53. You call Gurgaon & NOIDA as illegitimate cousins of Delhi!

54. Most of you have at least two cars; your drivers have scooters and mobiles.

55. As soon someone tells you abut an important political development, you whip out your mobile and whisper into it as if you have access to the Prime Minister's OFFICE!

56. You know that a famhouse has nothing to do with cattle or farming.

57. You used "contacts" for everything, from getting movie tickets to restaurant bookings to playschool admissions.

58. You didn't find 'Monsoon Wedding' funny. And Laughed your ass off when you watched 'Dilli 6'

59. You've probably used the word 'Tota' to describe ANY Random-Hot-Chick that just passed by! 'Phew!

60. You have had Anda parantha outside Vikram hotel and Bun Omelet at Dhaula Kuan at least once!

61. When Aunties go to drop their kids to the Bus-Stop in a Night Gown with a Duppatta.

62. When you think EVERY South Indian comes from 'Madras'. No Offense.

63. When you have an uncle in every SARKARI department!

64. When If your side of the road has a traffic jam, then you start driving on the wrong side of the road.

65. You think If there is a queue of many people, no one will notice me sneaking into the front as long as I am looking the other way.

66. You feel, If I indicate which way I am going to turn my vehicle, it is an information security leak.

67. When the only time you went to the Chidiya Ghar (Zoo) was on a school picnic.

68. One of your favorite yummiest ice-creams was "ORANGE - BAR"

69. You have been stuck in 'Nariana' due to the traffic for over 4 hours! 'Phew!

70. When you feel lucky enough to have around 10 LOCAL FM STATIONS! Woho.!

71. When you wonder... 'Ki Delhi Mein passes chapwane ki kya zarurat hai? Yahan Sab to VVIP hai!'

72. As a college student (DU or otherwise), u've been to one of those day parties (12-5pm) at a happening disc for Rs.200.

73. You see like a million kids playing cricket together on one field on any given sunday morning .. There are wickets every 10 feet .. and u've seen at least one guy get whacked by a ball from sum other match.

74. You long for rain but the moment you're on the road you wish it would go away.

75. When you have enjoyed stuff from -"Aangan" restaurant in Karol bagh.. wahan ke chhole bhature ultimate! & 'Atul Chat Bhandar' some where around India gate.

76. When you've been on a sneak with your buddies and ended up going to Pandara Road @ 2am when you were 'effin hungry!

77. Your pet line - "Kya scene hai aaj ka?"

78. You've had Ice Creams from India gate along with family/friends in the late evening & and have tried at least ONCE - "Lovely Chuski"

79. You've seen 'cool' people drive around in a Maruti 800 (borrowed from your Dad or a friend) with Western/Pop music blaring at its loudest from the the car stereo altough you hardly understand the lyrics yourself.

80. Almost anyone exept a Delhi-ite is a "Chutiya" (sorry for the word to all my posh freinds.....).

81. DESPITE of all the goods and bads.
You still Love Delhi. =]

And you want more.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Contraceptive 98

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of youth life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Girls You Wish You Never Met

Sweeto is one the hottest girls in town - her athletic body, long legs and diva-like looks could make any man weak in the knees. At the moment, she’s flaunting her iPhone and Gucci dress that Rahul - the son of the biggest jeweller in town - gifted to her, for being her boyfriend. Can you spot the donkey in this story?

If you think Sweeto is with Rahul because he’s a sweet and honest guy, and because he’s sensitive and understanding, and you think true love beats all odds, then, its time I sat you down and put some sense back into your testosterone fueled head. So what is the warning? And what should you know? Well, rest assured I did the leg work and have my research categorized especially for you.

Sugar Baby
Sweeto is your typical money monger - she’ll squeeze your bank like a lemon and move on without any hesitation. She is usually a good looking female who carries herself well, is classy and a sucker for things money can buy, namely designer clothes, latest and most expensive cell phones and loves to dine and party at the most expensive restaurants in town. You’ll find girls of this type swarming around boys and men that have rich daddies - the one’s that are suckers for good looks only. Typically the Sugar Babies will do everything for a man - physically and emotionally - and they like to be spoiled more than often - if you are a middle class man, start looking for bus shelters - and once they’re done squeezing, they move to the next boy with a fat cheque book. For these ladies it is about a lifestyle that they must maintain and about showing off such materialistic conquests in front of other girls.

Designer Diva
The DD is the closest in the family to Sugar Babies. These divas are bitches to the core and they use their good looks to lure men. They aren’t looking for any relationship, they just want the dough, whereas, a Sugar Baby can be in a relation as long as the man fuels her materialistic desires. This girl will leave you in the lurch. On a particular day she’ll make you feel like the man and on others she’ll be a self centered bitch. Usually it’s very easy to spot such girls - they’re usually very hot and they don’t take time in letting loose at clubs and parties. Another good example would be: If you were to call this particular type of girl and tell her you just made it out of an accident alive, she’d pass it off and tell you that her broken nail was the most tragic event of the day.

Balaji Broadcast
This is the one girl you should completely steer clear off, unless you love ‘K’ serials and can’t live without melodrama. This girl loves watching all shows made by Balaji Productions - the kinds that are absolutely pointless, full of ridiculous plots and negativity. She’ll cut her wrists at the drop of a hat and have cry marathons that last weeks. The only way to get anything around this girl is using direct dialogues from shows - this means memorizing all shows at the tips of your fingers. A typical BB would blow even the tiniest of situations into mammoth issues. Be prepared to fight everyday, for the rest of your life - cause it will be a serial.

The Fevichick is the emotionally weak and clingy type girl. Usually at first, she’ll be a darling and an awesome person to be around. Only a few days have passed and her ‘cling mode’ is turned on. You’d find yourself replying to messages and calls all day long. For example: 1. Have you eaten? 2. Have you pooped? 3. Where are you? 4. What are you wearing? And if that’s not enough she’ll land up at your office and home - the surprise visits will get worse. Unless you like needy and clingy chicks, I’d suggest Run!

Jeevan Saathi Jhalli

You’d probably come across this girl through an online portal. The JSJ is the kind of girl that’s looking for the perfect husband - the choice of her parents - and her days are spent surfing the likes of and reading wedding books, and even fantasizing about children and a happily married life. A guy can never match up to the expectations of a JSJ. You’ll soon realize that you’re being controlled and manipulated by the girl into ‘the’ idea of a perfect man. If you like being controlled and told what to do, this is your girl.

Ever since she saw Dilwale Dulhaniya Leh Jayenge, she’s been in love with ‘Raj’ - the character played by Shahrukh Khan. She is on the constant lookout for the mischievous bad boy character who’ll become the sweet darling once they meet. If you’re ever interrupted on a bus or train humming to ‘tujhe dekha toh yeh jaana sanam,’ or any of the tracks from the movie, you’ll know its the DDLJ Kudi. Be prepared to fight off her brothers and family members on a railway station amidst Punjabi cotton fields in true Bollywood style. If you think this sounds moronic - you’re a sane man.

Naive Nannu
The NN is the kind of girl that has absolutely no brains. This means that there would only be one working brain in the relationship. A guy may find this cool at first, but only later realize the mess he’s gotten himself into. You’d be better off having a relationship with your shadow or reflection. She’ll have nothing to say during discussions - it’ll be more like you rambling like a mad baboon with little effect. This would be one of the most boring relationships. I’d suggest getting a goldfish or turtle.

Louis Vuitton Loser
Out of all the girls mentioned above, this one is the most popular and my favourite. I find the LV Loser to be thoroughly ‘amusing’ and ‘silly.’ You can call her the ‘Fresh Off The House Boat’ or the ‘Over Achiever.’ You can easily distinguish her in a crowded party - she’ll be overdressed - she and Govinda would share the same designer labels - and trying too hard. At first, this girl may come across, accidently, but momentarily and look good, however, don’t let your anticipation fool you - the moment the LV Loser opens her mouth, you’ll turn around and run in the opposite direction. If you think a yellow shirt and pink hot pants are cool than this would be your soulmate.

Harry’s Ex
Harry treats women like garbage, and unsurprisingly broke it off with Sunita. On the contrary Sunita still loves Harry even though he’s an asshole. Now, no matter how much Raj loves Sunita, he can never convince her into moving on. ‘Harry’s Ex’ is the worst kind of girl to be in a relation with - all your conversations will end up revolving around how Harry can change. Any normal guy will get fed-up with this kind of girl within a month, however, there are a few risk-takers and thrill seekers who’ll stick around a bit longer - because they think their love will outshine competition - only to end up frustrated, depressed and maybe measured.

Bhakt Bharti
If any conversation with a girl starts with a prayer or you humming the national anthem - you know you’re in a relation with BB. Worst, you’ll have to sacrifice on any form of love making or touching in the event of religious, national or periodic occasions. She is the insanely religious devotee that’ll make you want to take the celibacy oath and maybe even turn into a baba. From mornings to late evenings you’ll be attending prayers and practicing the holy doctrine. And if you show any signs of retreat, you’ll be banned from any sexual contact for the rest of your life - that leaves you with only one thing to do: Prayer.

The list of girls mentioned above have been selected on the basis of their silly and niche characteristics. I do not intend to hurt the sentiments of any particular female, rather, I’m just watching out for my brothers who are unable to get it right. There are several girls out there that are simply amazing and to die for - all the best boys.

Monday, February 8, 2010

How did it go last night .....part 5 of 5

'So you called the police.' The driver with constable stripes asked me.
'Yes sir.i called you up.e tried to snatch my purse and hence I had no option
but to call you.'i replied.
'Snatch your purse, what is there in your purse ?' he asked.
'Nothing much, I was going back home and he was following me. Now he tried to snatch my purse.' What was I speaking.
'you are drunk.' He told something i knew and faced X.
'So, you were trying to snatch his purse ?'He asked X.
The other policeman was feeling sleepy, so he interrupted.
'take both to police station, they will ask all questions' and he yawned like a monkey.
'sit behind, we will see what to do once we reach station.' and the first policeman opened the rear of the Qualis for us to sit.
'Ravi, what are you doing, we will be in trouble. Don't do this.' X told me.
'You asked for it, can't help. I told you to get away.' My alcoholic ego replied.

We sat in the rear of the van, and I thought what can happen. I will file a report, and rest will be seen in court.I too realized that the things have gone too far, but my ego swimming in spirits contradicted this feeling.
We reached the nearest police post, this was for the first time I was in a police station, let alone the incident when I went to raise an FIR for my lost cellphone. That is a Grey place, you won't like to be for any purpose. Those men who are meant to maintain the regulation in society are monsters. you don't believe me, one interaction and you will find out why I say so.
The patrol cops handed us over to a sub-inspector. A young chap, with a face that reflected the disgust of waking up at this hour in night. He looked at us and said 'lock them up, we will see to it in the morning.'
I was shocked, i mean I was the victim(at least I pretended), and I was being locked up.
'sir, I came to file a report.' I told him.
X almost shat in his pants on the lock up thing.
'Sir, we are friends, and there was a small argument between us. I was trying to convince him to get back home as he was drunk, and he called you.' He told to the Sub Inspector.
'You guys think police is a joke. Now convince him in the lockup.It will take out all the liqour from your brain.' He shouted, and the Inspector, who was sleeping in peace in the upper chamber came down. It was the first (and till now the last) time I saw a policeman on duty wearing a lungi and a thermo-vest. Relaxo sandals too, not to mention.
'What is this noise all about.' he asked his junior, rather shouted on him.
The sub-ins told him everything, adding his common sense to make the incident hilarious, it wasn't to me.
'You people think police is joke'He asked the same question. What were they doing a survey ? What percent of India thinks police is a joke.
'No sir.' I said, Yes asshole, I thought.
To add a little more trauma, he said to sub-ins 'get their medical done, charge them for misleading police, and call their parents in the morning.'
'Yes sir.' He looked at us and said silently though his eyes, sorry dudes, you shouldn't have spoiled inspector's sleep.
'Sir, we are sorry, we won't repeat it again.' Me and X pleaded to the inspector.
'Get started, what are you waiting for ?'he commanded sub-ins and left for his room, his relaxo making a chatar-chatar sound.
Now the last hope was the sub-ins. We made the cutest innocent face ever, and tried to seduce (actually convince, but the word doesn't fit in there) him.
'Sir we are sorry, we won't do it again.'We said.
He arranged a fake smile on his face and said, 'yes, I know. you won't.'.
'Now listen, tell me something about yourself While i fill this medical form.' Need we give an interview o be locked up.
X told about himself. It was kind of funny, by the content as well as his expression. I am not writing the content here as that happens to be great story which I'll keep for a later blog.
'And you, Mr. purse keeper.' He glanced me and resumed his form filling.
'Sir, I have my own company of network education....'
'Alcohol education ?' he said and laughed on his disgusted joke.
'sir Network education, information technology, IT, computers' i hinted him with the keywords, so that can imagine something.
'oh, computers' So he finally ot my point.'I also want to buy a computer. For my misses. and kids too.Which one is better ?'
'Sir, you can come with me to Nehru Place and I can get you cheap one, with good configuration.'
'OK, good' And then we talked for next 20 minutes about the computer component. At the end, he learned what is a mouse, keyboard(he kept saying it a keyword) and the monitor. The benefit I got was X was locked up and I went to rest in his room on a chair.This was the only time being in IT helped me.He also told me that we will be left in the morning. That gave me a relief, and considering X doesn't has this vital information gave me a joy.

So this was it for the night. In the morning we were left with a warning not to repeat it again. I made two resolutions that morning. first one was never to touch alcohol. I broke this one that evening itself, the new year's eve. The second resolution was not to speak to X ever again. That one was broken the next Sunday, when I got a call at 6pm.

"Hi man, wassup" X asked.
"nothing much, busy with work" I replied.
"Work... really"
"Kinda, but tell me."
"What are you doing in evening ?"
"Dude, it's already evening."
"I mean night, let's go to Y's place."
"Today, what day is today ?"...................

Thanks a lot for reading all parts. Please leave your valuable comments if I can improve it anyway.

How did it go last night .....part 4 of 5

So the conversation continued and we consumed lethal amount of alcohol in process. I told her a lot about me and heard a lot of her. I tend to talk a lot when i am drunk, and become a great counselor of career issues. I think not getting drunk before interviews as left me with this crisis in my own life.
'So, do you have a boyfriend' I asked her. Four pegs of scotch and you are not in position to judge whether the question is appropriate or not.
'Why ?'a question for a question.
'Just asking'. I am a moron, that's why.
'Yes, I do have..... a boyfriend.' She took a pause before the word boyfriend.
'Hmm' And I thought to cut it off there.
'You know Ravi, you aren't supposed to trust anyone' She said looking at the fog.
'True, but why do you say so.'
'Just a piece of advice. Nothing serious.'She was about to cry.I have a great sense towards tears.
'Heyyyy... buzz up. Can I get you a new drink.'I tried to cheer her up.
'Yeah, one more bacardi, double' She took the last sip from her glass and handed it over to me.I went inside to refill it. My Teacher's was lying empty, so I thought of taking bacardi for me too. I went back to the lonely woman, with two highly toxic glasses.
'here you go'i handed her glass to her.
We sat near the fire and took out the sticks, kept some for ourselves and called Y to take it inside. He came, saw us together and gave a you-are-a-lucky-bastard looks and went inside.
'try these, i am getting perfection in each new set.' I started having a chicken piece.
'it's still hot, my tongue is still burning.'she took a piece and started cooling it.
'Letme see your tounge.' I swear it just came, no specific intentions were there at that moment. I really swear.
I had a close look of her mouth. And when you are close to a girl,close to her lips, you tend to arose, and in that drunken condition, i wasn't able to control myself. I kissed her. Her eyes closed and i took her into a hug, still kissing her. And then i freed my lips and asked her 'What if your boyfriend comes to know about it.'Who on earth asks this to a girl, at least when you are kissing.
'I don't care, shut up.' She said and we kissed again.
Now before I move to further events, I should tell you that I like a girl, who, doesn't like me that 'way'.We are just friends in her pretext, still I love her. If you deduced, I already know that I am a maniac. So back to the story.
I suddenly realized the fact stated above and freed myself once again.
'Hey, I'm sorry, but I can't do this.' I looked down and said to her.
'What happened ?'she asked as if she realized she had a bad breath.
'Hi, I have a girlfriend, I mean technically we are just friends, but I like her and can't do this.' I was actually drunk, trust me.
'OK, i am sorry too, we shouldn't have done that.' She looked guilty, what were we doing .....killing someone ?
'Let's finish off this peg and get one more.' I said and emptied my glass in one go.
'Hmm'She tried and puked later. I left her alone in bathroom and thought of going inside to get one more peg. What a party it would have been,great alcohol, nice babe and terrifying sex.... what a party it is now, still great alcohol, puking babe, no sex. I tried to open the door but it was locked from inside. I knocked it. Later I realized that X and P were making out. Their bad luck, the only way out from balcomy was that room, and I was in serious need of one more shot.I banged the door again.
'Can you wait for five monutes' X shouted.
'No, I want a drink, and i want it right now' I replied.I wanted to play a simple prank to ruin their plan. I know you all are thinking 'lol'.
'Bro, try to understand' He shouted back, with thumps acting as a background music.
'I want it right now, you try to understand as well.'
And we shouted at each other for thirty more seconds without conclusion. My luck, in between this, P got mad at X.
'X, leave it, I don't want to do it anymore.' I imagined her getting off the bed and putting on her clothes.X opened the door after two odd minutes. In the meanwhile Q came out of bathroom and showed me her empty glass and dropped it off the railing.
'No more alcohol for me.' I undergo this puking trauma on a once in a month basis.
'Happy now ?' He gave me that unsatisfied disgusted look.
'Yeah' I smiled to annoy him a little more and went inside to make my shot and exchanging words with everyone else. X came inside and he was angry. I made that out by what he said to me.
'I hate you calling me my friend, I did all this, arranged this party and ruined my evening' saying so, he went back to the room. I shouldn't have thought of it, with my then-incapable brain, but i did and changed the course of the night.
'I hate you too' I taunted back.
'Get lost you asshole.' came the reply.
'Fair, I am leaving. by the way, how much you pay to this girl for one night.' That was wrong, i know. But i didn't realize it at that moment.
P heard this too, i don't know how she felt about it, but she never spoke to me afterward till now.
I finished my glass, and headed towards the exit door. Y tried to stop me, but I went off. After reaching ground floor I realized that I was about 18 km from home, and I took a ride in X's car to reach here, so no more transport for back home. I decided to walk. Then lit a cigarette, that helps me think better. By then, X realized that I was his responsibility, as he brought me here. He came down to take me back to my place.
'Hey Ravi, Let's go back.'
'Get lost, I can go home on my way.'
'You don't have a vehicle.'This conversation continued for another fifteen minutes.Finally I got agitated to my limit(small limit of course) and gave him the final warning.
'I will mange ,get lost, else I'll call the police.'
'Call the police for what ?'
'I'll see to that later, don't press me.'
'You want to call, you can call.'This was a blunder X made that evening, Challenging a man who likes it a lot. I dialed 100 from my phone without thinking anything.
'Delhi Police, control room.'
'Hi, I am calling from..' I looked at a shop's banner and told the address.
'Thank you for the location, How can we help you ?' They weren't so polite, I just modified this dialogue a bit.
'someone is trying to snatch my purse here on road.please send a PCR'
'OK, we will send you a PCR asap.'
I ended the call and asked X to go away, which he refused.
And within five minutes, I saw a PCR stopping the place where we were standing.

Thanks for reading, I'm working on part 5.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

How did it go last night .....part 3

So, after this argument, and my friend taking his GF's side against me, I was already pissed off.Now a piece of advice, don't try to touch alcohol when you are pissed, even when you are angry. This is coz when you are in either of the states, you have a feeling of rage, which smears your adrenaline contents, after which you forget your limit. Scientifically proved. Now a fact after advice : No one is able to do as per advice in this case.

'Y, shall we start the party?' I wanted to get drunk. That would make me more powerful irrationally, and will be an excuse for whatever i did in night.
'Can you place these sticks on fire.' Y replied.
That was not what i asked for, but i was hungry too. So i placed the sticks stuffed with paneer and chicken pieces on the coal fire i just made. It started the cooking process and the aroma filled the room.
'Aha, tikkas' Q exclaimed, and came to balcony.
'Hi again' i said, wondering if something would have been better to break the ice.
'Hi, what are you upto? You cooking ?'he exclaimed a little more.
'Yeah..NO... i was just... trying..hmm..... just trying'. Why i have to be this way while talking to a girl.
'OK.... so you know how to cook, don't spoil it.' She smiled, mischievously or not, i don't know.
'I'll try, i definitely won't if you help me with it.'Damn, why didn't I do the hotel management course i was being offered.
She smiled again, that lazy smiling machine.'OK, we'll do it together.'
I asked her to keep turning it, and in the meanwhile I went to bring some butter to place on the pieces.And slowly we took out the first round out of fire.
I offered her the first tikka, which she took and tried to eat before she screamed,'It's hot....aaaa....really hot.'
'didn't you know that? it just came out.' don't ever try to make a girl realize her mistake.
I ran off to bring her some water, all i could find was a beer, so i brought that.
'Have some, that will relieve you.' i opened and gave the can to her.
'Oh, thanks....glup glup' and she gulped in a few times.
'be careful, here's one more. and it's warm.' I gave her plate a refill and added mouthful of air blows.Did i brush that day. Yes, i did.
'Aaaahhhhaaaa, just wait for a while' The same noise when you eat something full with chillies.
'err.. if you say so.' I started eating my share and left some to serve inside.
I took the plate inside, Y tasted it. I expected an appreciation, but what I got was more raw material in return. Back on business Mr. chef.
But it was fun making tikkas with Q. I knew her from long, as a not-at-all-close friend. that at-all factor somewhat flew away, after her tongue endured that third degree burn, and I got a beer for relief. Such an irony.
The rest of the gang came, came with more liquor and stuff. Illegal stuff. you got no idea what i am talking about.... oho.... you got an idea..... i knew you pervert.
They started making shots with ganja and sulfa and what all shit(i do not smoke anything except tobacco, these memories are the proof). The party started individually. I mean Y was in kitchen, X was in P's lap, some alpha, beta gammas were on phone, some watching TV and some changing the playlist. I was alone, with Q.
She took one more can, and I made my peg of teacher's. We went to balcony, and waited for the clod breeze, fog and alcohol to show their effects. After 2 cans of beer, Q started to open up (her mind, not clothes yet).
'how long do we know each other' She asked.
'I'll get you a new can' I replied. if you don't listen to what a girl is saying, she is either going to go mad at you or do anything to get your attention. This is a worth taking risk.
'No wait, answer.... no... go get one..... bacardi'
'you sure ? bacardi ?'i said. oooollllaaalllaaa bacardi. i thought.
'I am strong enough to have that' She said posing with her biceps.
'OK, as you wish.'I opened the door for the room.
'Wait, make it double' She tried to give me a tough look.
I bought her a double bacardi (almost triple) and stood with her, taking all the non-sense of the world.
I learnt that she is the youngest one in her family, she was most cared by her father. She wanted to be a painter, and visit europe(hollywood movies effect). But her dad was trying to marry her next year. I wasn't listening to all this, I overheard this while rolling the chicken sticks over bar-be-que.

Wait for the 4 part of this 5 part series. Thanks again for reading.

Friday, January 29, 2010

How did it go last night .....part 2

So we reached Y's place. It was 7:40, still no ideal time to drink. We stopped for buying some snacks and soda from the nearby shop. The shopkeeper knew us all, as we are regular weekend customers there. We reached upstairs (didn't i tell you that Y lived on 4th floor), that was like climbing Mt. Everest. 'Poor soul' i thought for Y, he has to go through this multiple time everyday, and it is nowhere similar to multiple orgasm (you fitness freak, over worked-out moron!!). We banged the door to a extent that it came out of hinges. That happened almost every weekend, i still wonder why we have to do this when a doorbell was present. It became some kind of ritual to us, for beginning of a soaked up night. We went inside and placed the beers in fridge, so that they can 'chill' (remember, we are still in December). Y came out of kitchen, with spices on his hand, he was the owner, cook, bartender, waiter and watchman of the suite. We rubbed our shoulder with arm patting the back (read hugging, not embracing).
"how have you been man?" I asked. This is my pet dialogue, I am not 'that' good with the queen's language. English is my second language and I am third class in it(yes, i know you got the idea).
"Same old, you tell me what are you up to..... long time dude". Yes, long time, six days three hours, long time indeed.

We went inside and sensed that AC-DC was yelling loudly.... as loudly as the speakers would have permitted. I flexed my muscles so that I can jump and groove on the music, then decided to conserve energy as night was going to be long. Three other guys were there, i didn't knew them well, they did accompany me in these drinking sessions sometime, but still I didn't know them well. I said Hi and changed my phone's profile to vibration, sensing rings won't be audible. I asked Y to change the tracks to linkin park, the only metal I remotely associated myself. He asked me to do it myself and I started fiddling with the computer. Finally I found some songs and made a play list, which everyone appreciated from the beginning. I mean who hates 'smoke on the water' and 'hybrid theory'.

I went to kitchen, it was smelling nice, with spices and chicken being cooked. Y asked me to check the marinated chicken and lit up the coal for bar-be-que in balcony. chicken looked good (as I am not so good at these marination things), so I went to lit up the coal. I took some pieces and kept it on the gas burner to light them up. Once they were red hot, I placed them in the stand and placed a table fan. Slow and steady, I lit up the coal, and it was red, smearing and hot. It is tougher than it sounds here, but as i enjoyed it, and i don't want to spoil your bar-be-que dreams, i am omitting the hard parts.
I came inside to notify everyone about the fire. i shouted a swearing word (a really really bad one) and announced my achieved feat of lighting up the coal. Then I realized P and Q both were there (refer to first post), and made a 'i-didn't-know-you-people-have-arrived' look on my face, and said Hi.
Q smiled back and replied to my Hi, but P made a face which was full of hate and anger. She called Y and yelled, 'you people should behave when girls are around.'
Y tried to negotiate with P, and said some comfy punches (mostly 'honey, i am sorry, he won't repeat again'). He had no idea that this was a bad idea to commit on someone else's gentleman-ness. The night was growing, and with the alcohol intake lined up, so were my animal instincts.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

How did it go last night......

When you are into alcohol more than you can endure, you always end up with experiences you regret, or remember throughout your life, or both. Now I am not into alcohol at all. Alcohol is into me all the time. That is not the point right now. Now if you have to go to a party full of organism of the same sex you are, which is generally the case here in India, you tend to forget your capacity of spirit threshold, and you drink and drink and drink, after which you puke. Sounds familiar, isn't it ? Yes it is. Don't say you haven't thrown up ever, coz no one on the planet has that expertise with alcohol. Not even if you take it only as a homeopathic (read pathetic) treatments.

So here is an account of what happened on 30th Dec :

Evening about 5 PM, I was as usual glued to my laptop, searching for some out-of-world porn. With a party lined up for new year at home, i didn't have any plans for the evening. And then, from devil's precise arrangements, i got a call from X (Names are omitted for identification and making-it-a-suspense purpose).
"Hi man, wassup" X asked.
"nothing much, busy with work" I replied.
"Work... really"
"Kinda, but tell me."
"What are you doing in evening ?"
"Dude, it's already evening."
"I mean night, let's go to Y's place." (again no names)
"Today, what day is today ?"
Let me explain the last statement. I avoid drinking on Tuesdays and Thursday. Teachers, Black label and expensive wines are an exception, provided they are billed on someone else's card.
"I am throwing it today, don't worry." My friends know me well.
"OK then, come and pick me up at 7." I told and tried to finish the conversation as I found a torrent of a lady having sex with a horse. EWW... but still that has to be watched.
"Ok see ya at 7." and X left me in peace for next 2 hours.
I cursed the horse for being lucky, then cursed the internet speed to be slow, and placed the torrent to download the file.
I went out see me in the mirror... not bad for someone who hasn't bathed for about a week now. It's cold in Delhi in December, and you know that. Changed into a party wear and ruffled my hair. Party wear means changing to jeans from my parachute pajamas. Made some lemon tea and went back to check the progress of my torrent. 4% was done with another 5 hours to complete. That meant a new porn after I am back from this unisex party place. I truly relish those moments.
At 7, and I mean sharp 7, a car stopped at my front gate. I made that out because of the shrilling brake noise which these metal monsters make if you halt them from a speed of 120kmph to 0 in a matter of 3 seconds and 20 meters. Then the loud music which indicated something with beat DUUK....DUUK....DUK.DUK.DUK......DUUK....DUUK.... was being played. I shouted to them to lowering the music, and after 5 mins of hand action (used by deaf and dumb to communicate), they lowered the volume.
"Come on in." X shouted.
"Coming" I said and ran back inside for my wallet and cell.In the meanwhile X raised te music again.
"I'll be back by 11, bye mom" I shouted and ran out again to avoid and more clrification.
"OK" mom shouted back, she wasn't in need of any details as she was busy making pickles with ginger and lemons, a new found recipe.

I sat in the car and we sped off on the main road. I turned the music down so that i am audible when i scream.
"So, what is the plan ?" I asked.
"simple plan, We are going to Y's place, drink and make grilled chicken, and paneer tikkas, drink and make some more tikkas, drink again and dance, and pass out there on the couch."
"How many people ?" I was wondering how many couches Y has.
"Me and you,Y, P (X's girlfriend), Q (a girl i wanted to sleep with), and few more freinds, about 15 people." he replied, still concentrating if he missed someone special.
We stopped at wine shop to buy the spirits. Now it's rude to call a wine shop a wine shop in Delhi.
Reason 1 : No one drinks wine, even if they do, they don't outnumber scotch and whiskey drinkers.
Reason 2 : Most of us don't know even a single brand of good wine, neither do the shop owners.
I can give you 99 more reasons some other time.
So we bought 4 crates of beer, 3 vodkas and 2 scotch. That wasn't all we had that evening, I'll come to that later.
X called Y about the scene at his home. Everything was great, they were able to marinate the chicken and paneer, fired up a good bar-be-que which was used as a bon-fire for the time being.
So it took us another 20 minutes to reach at Y's place.

Rest of the story will be continued in the next post. Thanks for reading this up