Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Contraceptive 98

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of youth life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Girls You Wish You Never Met

Sweeto is one the hottest girls in town - her athletic body, long legs and diva-like looks could make any man weak in the knees. At the moment, she’s flaunting her iPhone and Gucci dress that Rahul - the son of the biggest jeweller in town - gifted to her, for being her boyfriend. Can you spot the donkey in this story?

If you think Sweeto is with Rahul because he’s a sweet and honest guy, and because he’s sensitive and understanding, and you think true love beats all odds, then, its time I sat you down and put some sense back into your testosterone fueled head. So what is the warning? And what should you know? Well, rest assured I did the leg work and have my research categorized especially for you.

Sugar Baby
Sweeto is your typical money monger - she’ll squeeze your bank like a lemon and move on without any hesitation. She is usually a good looking female who carries herself well, is classy and a sucker for things money can buy, namely designer clothes, latest and most expensive cell phones and loves to dine and party at the most expensive restaurants in town. You’ll find girls of this type swarming around boys and men that have rich daddies - the one’s that are suckers for good looks only. Typically the Sugar Babies will do everything for a man - physically and emotionally - and they like to be spoiled more than often - if you are a middle class man, start looking for bus shelters - and once they’re done squeezing, they move to the next boy with a fat cheque book. For these ladies it is about a lifestyle that they must maintain and about showing off such materialistic conquests in front of other girls.

Designer Diva
The DD is the closest in the family to Sugar Babies. These divas are bitches to the core and they use their good looks to lure men. They aren’t looking for any relationship, they just want the dough, whereas, a Sugar Baby can be in a relation as long as the man fuels her materialistic desires. This girl will leave you in the lurch. On a particular day she’ll make you feel like the man and on others she’ll be a self centered bitch. Usually it’s very easy to spot such girls - they’re usually very hot and they don’t take time in letting loose at clubs and parties. Another good example would be: If you were to call this particular type of girl and tell her you just made it out of an accident alive, she’d pass it off and tell you that her broken nail was the most tragic event of the day.

Balaji Broadcast
This is the one girl you should completely steer clear off, unless you love ‘K’ serials and can’t live without melodrama. This girl loves watching all shows made by Balaji Productions - the kinds that are absolutely pointless, full of ridiculous plots and negativity. She’ll cut her wrists at the drop of a hat and have cry marathons that last weeks. The only way to get anything around this girl is using direct dialogues from shows - this means memorizing all shows at the tips of your fingers. A typical BB would blow even the tiniest of situations into mammoth issues. Be prepared to fight everyday, for the rest of your life - cause it will be a serial.

The Fevichick is the emotionally weak and clingy type girl. Usually at first, she’ll be a darling and an awesome person to be around. Only a few days have passed and her ‘cling mode’ is turned on. You’d find yourself replying to messages and calls all day long. For example: 1. Have you eaten? 2. Have you pooped? 3. Where are you? 4. What are you wearing? And if that’s not enough she’ll land up at your office and home - the surprise visits will get worse. Unless you like needy and clingy chicks, I’d suggest Run!

Jeevan Saathi Jhalli

You’d probably come across this girl through an online portal. The JSJ is the kind of girl that’s looking for the perfect husband - the choice of her parents - and her days are spent surfing the likes of Shaadi.com and reading wedding books, and even fantasizing about children and a happily married life. A guy can never match up to the expectations of a JSJ. You’ll soon realize that you’re being controlled and manipulated by the girl into ‘the’ idea of a perfect man. If you like being controlled and told what to do, this is your girl.

Ever since she saw Dilwale Dulhaniya Leh Jayenge, she’s been in love with ‘Raj’ - the character played by Shahrukh Khan. She is on the constant lookout for the mischievous bad boy character who’ll become the sweet darling once they meet. If you’re ever interrupted on a bus or train humming to ‘tujhe dekha toh yeh jaana sanam,’ or any of the tracks from the movie, you’ll know its the DDLJ Kudi. Be prepared to fight off her brothers and family members on a railway station amidst Punjabi cotton fields in true Bollywood style. If you think this sounds moronic - you’re a sane man.

Naive Nannu
The NN is the kind of girl that has absolutely no brains. This means that there would only be one working brain in the relationship. A guy may find this cool at first, but only later realize the mess he’s gotten himself into. You’d be better off having a relationship with your shadow or reflection. She’ll have nothing to say during discussions - it’ll be more like you rambling like a mad baboon with little effect. This would be one of the most boring relationships. I’d suggest getting a goldfish or turtle.

Louis Vuitton Loser
Out of all the girls mentioned above, this one is the most popular and my favourite. I find the LV Loser to be thoroughly ‘amusing’ and ‘silly.’ You can call her the ‘Fresh Off The House Boat’ or the ‘Over Achiever.’ You can easily distinguish her in a crowded party - she’ll be overdressed - she and Govinda would share the same designer labels - and trying too hard. At first, this girl may come across, accidently, but momentarily and look good, however, don’t let your anticipation fool you - the moment the LV Loser opens her mouth, you’ll turn around and run in the opposite direction. If you think a yellow shirt and pink hot pants are cool than this would be your soulmate.

Harry’s Ex
Harry treats women like garbage, and unsurprisingly broke it off with Sunita. On the contrary Sunita still loves Harry even though he’s an asshole. Now, no matter how much Raj loves Sunita, he can never convince her into moving on. ‘Harry’s Ex’ is the worst kind of girl to be in a relation with - all your conversations will end up revolving around how Harry can change. Any normal guy will get fed-up with this kind of girl within a month, however, there are a few risk-takers and thrill seekers who’ll stick around a bit longer - because they think their love will outshine competition - only to end up frustrated, depressed and maybe measured.

Bhakt Bharti
If any conversation with a girl starts with a prayer or you humming the national anthem - you know you’re in a relation with BB. Worst, you’ll have to sacrifice on any form of love making or touching in the event of religious, national or periodic occasions. She is the insanely religious devotee that’ll make you want to take the celibacy oath and maybe even turn into a baba. From mornings to late evenings you’ll be attending prayers and practicing the holy doctrine. And if you show any signs of retreat, you’ll be banned from any sexual contact for the rest of your life - that leaves you with only one thing to do: Prayer.

The list of girls mentioned above have been selected on the basis of their silly and niche characteristics. I do not intend to hurt the sentiments of any particular female, rather, I’m just watching out for my brothers who are unable to get it right. There are several girls out there that are simply amazing and to die for - all the best boys.

Monday, February 8, 2010

How did it go last night .....part 5 of 5

'So you called the police.' The driver with constable stripes asked me.
'Yes sir.i called you up.e tried to snatch my purse and hence I had no option
but to call you.'i replied.
'Snatch your purse, what is there in your purse ?' he asked.
'Nothing much, I was going back home and he was following me. Now he tried to snatch my purse.' What was I speaking.
'you are drunk.' He told something i knew and faced X.
'So, you were trying to snatch his purse ?'He asked X.
The other policeman was feeling sleepy, so he interrupted.
'take both to police station, they will ask all questions' and he yawned like a monkey.
'sit behind, we will see what to do once we reach station.' and the first policeman opened the rear of the Qualis for us to sit.
'Ravi, what are you doing, we will be in trouble. Don't do this.' X told me.
'You asked for it, can't help. I told you to get away.' My alcoholic ego replied.

We sat in the rear of the van, and I thought what can happen. I will file a report, and rest will be seen in court.I too realized that the things have gone too far, but my ego swimming in spirits contradicted this feeling.
We reached the nearest police post, this was for the first time I was in a police station, let alone the incident when I went to raise an FIR for my lost cellphone. That is a Grey place, you won't like to be for any purpose. Those men who are meant to maintain the regulation in society are monsters. you don't believe me, one interaction and you will find out why I say so.
The patrol cops handed us over to a sub-inspector. A young chap, with a face that reflected the disgust of waking up at this hour in night. He looked at us and said 'lock them up, we will see to it in the morning.'
I was shocked, i mean I was the victim(at least I pretended), and I was being locked up.
'sir, I came to file a report.' I told him.
X almost shat in his pants on the lock up thing.
'Sir, we are friends, and there was a small argument between us. I was trying to convince him to get back home as he was drunk, and he called you.' He told to the Sub Inspector.
'You guys think police is a joke. Now convince him in the lockup.It will take out all the liqour from your brain.' He shouted, and the Inspector, who was sleeping in peace in the upper chamber came down. It was the first (and till now the last) time I saw a policeman on duty wearing a lungi and a thermo-vest. Relaxo sandals too, not to mention.
'What is this noise all about.' he asked his junior, rather shouted on him.
The sub-ins told him everything, adding his common sense to make the incident hilarious, it wasn't to me.
'You people think police is joke'He asked the same question. What were they doing a survey ? What percent of India thinks police is a joke.
'No sir.' I said, Yes asshole, I thought.
To add a little more trauma, he said to sub-ins 'get their medical done, charge them for misleading police, and call their parents in the morning.'
'Yes sir.' He looked at us and said silently though his eyes, sorry dudes, you shouldn't have spoiled inspector's sleep.
'Sir, we are sorry, we won't repeat it again.' Me and X pleaded to the inspector.
'Get started, what are you waiting for ?'he commanded sub-ins and left for his room, his relaxo making a chatar-chatar sound.
Now the last hope was the sub-ins. We made the cutest innocent face ever, and tried to seduce (actually convince, but the word doesn't fit in there) him.
'Sir we are sorry, we won't do it again.'We said.
He arranged a fake smile on his face and said, 'yes, I know. you won't.'.
'Now listen, tell me something about yourself While i fill this medical form.' Need we give an interview o be locked up.
X told about himself. It was kind of funny, by the content as well as his expression. I am not writing the content here as that happens to be great story which I'll keep for a later blog.
'And you, Mr. purse keeper.' He glanced me and resumed his form filling.
'Sir, I have my own company of network education....'
'Alcohol education ?' he said and laughed on his disgusted joke.
'sir Network education, information technology, IT, computers' i hinted him with the keywords, so that can imagine something.
'oh, computers' So he finally ot my point.'I also want to buy a computer. For my misses. and kids too.Which one is better ?'
'Sir, you can come with me to Nehru Place and I can get you cheap one, with good configuration.'
'OK, good' And then we talked for next 20 minutes about the computer component. At the end, he learned what is a mouse, keyboard(he kept saying it a keyword) and the monitor. The benefit I got was X was locked up and I went to rest in his room on a chair.This was the only time being in IT helped me.He also told me that we will be left in the morning. That gave me a relief, and considering X doesn't has this vital information gave me a joy.

So this was it for the night. In the morning we were left with a warning not to repeat it again. I made two resolutions that morning. first one was never to touch alcohol. I broke this one that evening itself, the new year's eve. The second resolution was not to speak to X ever again. That one was broken the next Sunday, when I got a call at 6pm.

"Hi man, wassup" X asked.
"nothing much, busy with work" I replied.
"Work... really"
"Kinda, but tell me."
"What are you doing in evening ?"
"Dude, it's already evening."
"I mean night, let's go to Y's place."
"Today, what day is today ?"...................

Thanks a lot for reading all parts. Please leave your valuable comments if I can improve it anyway.

How did it go last night .....part 4 of 5

So the conversation continued and we consumed lethal amount of alcohol in process. I told her a lot about me and heard a lot of her. I tend to talk a lot when i am drunk, and become a great counselor of career issues. I think not getting drunk before interviews as left me with this crisis in my own life.
'So, do you have a boyfriend' I asked her. Four pegs of scotch and you are not in position to judge whether the question is appropriate or not.
'Why ?'a question for a question.
'Just asking'. I am a moron, that's why.
'Yes, I do have..... a boyfriend.' She took a pause before the word boyfriend.
'Hmm' And I thought to cut it off there.
'You know Ravi, you aren't supposed to trust anyone' She said looking at the fog.
'True, but why do you say so.'
'Just a piece of advice. Nothing serious.'She was about to cry.I have a great sense towards tears.
'Heyyyy... buzz up. Can I get you a new drink.'I tried to cheer her up.
'Yeah, one more bacardi, double' She took the last sip from her glass and handed it over to me.I went inside to refill it. My Teacher's was lying empty, so I thought of taking bacardi for me too. I went back to the lonely woman, with two highly toxic glasses.
'here you go'i handed her glass to her.
We sat near the fire and took out the sticks, kept some for ourselves and called Y to take it inside. He came, saw us together and gave a you-are-a-lucky-bastard looks and went inside.
'try these, i am getting perfection in each new set.' I started having a chicken piece.
'it's still hot, my tongue is still burning.'she took a piece and started cooling it.
'Letme see your tounge.' I swear it just came, no specific intentions were there at that moment. I really swear.
I had a close look of her mouth. And when you are close to a girl,close to her lips, you tend to arose, and in that drunken condition, i wasn't able to control myself. I kissed her. Her eyes closed and i took her into a hug, still kissing her. And then i freed my lips and asked her 'What if your boyfriend comes to know about it.'Who on earth asks this to a girl, at least when you are kissing.
'I don't care, shut up.' She said and we kissed again.
Now before I move to further events, I should tell you that I like a girl, who, doesn't like me that 'way'.We are just friends in her pretext, still I love her. If you deduced, I already know that I am a maniac. So back to the story.
I suddenly realized the fact stated above and freed myself once again.
'Hey, I'm sorry, but I can't do this.' I looked down and said to her.
'What happened ?'she asked as if she realized she had a bad breath.
'Hi, I have a girlfriend, I mean technically we are just friends, but I like her and can't do this.' I was actually drunk, trust me.
'OK, i am sorry too, we shouldn't have done that.' She looked guilty, what were we doing .....killing someone ?
'Let's finish off this peg and get one more.' I said and emptied my glass in one go.
'Hmm'She tried and puked later. I left her alone in bathroom and thought of going inside to get one more peg. What a party it would have been,great alcohol, nice babe and terrifying sex.... what a party it is now, still great alcohol, puking babe, no sex. I tried to open the door but it was locked from inside. I knocked it. Later I realized that X and P were making out. Their bad luck, the only way out from balcomy was that room, and I was in serious need of one more shot.I banged the door again.
'Can you wait for five monutes' X shouted.
'No, I want a drink, and i want it right now' I replied.I wanted to play a simple prank to ruin their plan. I know you all are thinking 'lol'.
'Bro, try to understand' He shouted back, with thumps acting as a background music.
'I want it right now, you try to understand as well.'
And we shouted at each other for thirty more seconds without conclusion. My luck, in between this, P got mad at X.
'X, leave it, I don't want to do it anymore.' I imagined her getting off the bed and putting on her clothes.X opened the door after two odd minutes. In the meanwhile Q came out of bathroom and showed me her empty glass and dropped it off the railing.
'No more alcohol for me.' I undergo this puking trauma on a once in a month basis.
'Happy now ?' He gave me that unsatisfied disgusted look.
'Yeah' I smiled to annoy him a little more and went inside to make my shot and exchanging words with everyone else. X came inside and he was angry. I made that out by what he said to me.
'I hate you calling me my friend, I did all this, arranged this party and ruined my evening' saying so, he went back to the room. I shouldn't have thought of it, with my then-incapable brain, but i did and changed the course of the night.
'I hate you too' I taunted back.
'Get lost you asshole.' came the reply.
'Fair, I am leaving. by the way, how much you pay to this girl for one night.' That was wrong, i know. But i didn't realize it at that moment.
P heard this too, i don't know how she felt about it, but she never spoke to me afterward till now.
I finished my glass, and headed towards the exit door. Y tried to stop me, but I went off. After reaching ground floor I realized that I was about 18 km from home, and I took a ride in X's car to reach here, so no more transport for back home. I decided to walk. Then lit a cigarette, that helps me think better. By then, X realized that I was his responsibility, as he brought me here. He came down to take me back to my place.
'Hey Ravi, Let's go back.'
'Get lost, I can go home on my way.'
'You don't have a vehicle.'This conversation continued for another fifteen minutes.Finally I got agitated to my limit(small limit of course) and gave him the final warning.
'I will mange ,get lost, else I'll call the police.'
'Call the police for what ?'
'I'll see to that later, don't press me.'
'You want to call, you can call.'This was a blunder X made that evening, Challenging a man who likes it a lot. I dialed 100 from my phone without thinking anything.
'Delhi Police, control room.'
'Hi, I am calling from..' I looked at a shop's banner and told the address.
'Thank you for the location, How can we help you ?' They weren't so polite, I just modified this dialogue a bit.
'someone is trying to snatch my purse here on road.please send a PCR'
'OK, we will send you a PCR asap.'
I ended the call and asked X to go away, which he refused.
And within five minutes, I saw a PCR stopping the place where we were standing.

Thanks for reading, I'm working on part 5.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

How did it go last night .....part 3

So, after this argument, and my friend taking his GF's side against me, I was already pissed off.Now a piece of advice, don't try to touch alcohol when you are pissed, even when you are angry. This is coz when you are in either of the states, you have a feeling of rage, which smears your adrenaline contents, after which you forget your limit. Scientifically proved. Now a fact after advice : No one is able to do as per advice in this case.

'Y, shall we start the party?' I wanted to get drunk. That would make me more powerful irrationally, and will be an excuse for whatever i did in night.
'Can you place these sticks on fire.' Y replied.
That was not what i asked for, but i was hungry too. So i placed the sticks stuffed with paneer and chicken pieces on the coal fire i just made. It started the cooking process and the aroma filled the room.
'Aha, tikkas' Q exclaimed, and came to balcony.
'Hi again' i said, wondering if something would have been better to break the ice.
'Hi, what are you upto? You cooking ?'he exclaimed a little more.
'Yeah..NO... i was just... trying..hmm..... just trying'. Why i have to be this way while talking to a girl.
'OK.... so you know how to cook, don't spoil it.' She smiled, mischievously or not, i don't know.
'I'll try, i definitely won't if you help me with it.'Damn, why didn't I do the hotel management course i was being offered.
She smiled again, that lazy smiling machine.'OK, we'll do it together.'
I asked her to keep turning it, and in the meanwhile I went to bring some butter to place on the pieces.And slowly we took out the first round out of fire.
I offered her the first tikka, which she took and tried to eat before she screamed,'It's hot....aaaa....really hot.'
'didn't you know that? it just came out.' don't ever try to make a girl realize her mistake.
I ran off to bring her some water, all i could find was a beer, so i brought that.
'Have some, that will relieve you.' i opened and gave the can to her.
'Oh, thanks....glup glup' and she gulped in a few times.
'be careful, here's one more. and it's warm.' I gave her plate a refill and added mouthful of air blows.Did i brush that day. Yes, i did.
'Aaaahhhhaaaa, just wait for a while' The same noise when you eat something full with chillies.
'err.. if you say so.' I started eating my share and left some to serve inside.
I took the plate inside, Y tasted it. I expected an appreciation, but what I got was more raw material in return. Back on business Mr. chef.
But it was fun making tikkas with Q. I knew her from long, as a not-at-all-close friend. that at-all factor somewhat flew away, after her tongue endured that third degree burn, and I got a beer for relief. Such an irony.
The rest of the gang came, came with more liquor and stuff. Illegal stuff. you got no idea what i am talking about.... oho.... you got an idea..... i knew you pervert.
They started making shots with ganja and sulfa and what all shit(i do not smoke anything except tobacco, these memories are the proof). The party started individually. I mean Y was in kitchen, X was in P's lap, some alpha, beta gammas were on phone, some watching TV and some changing the playlist. I was alone, with Q.
She took one more can, and I made my peg of teacher's. We went to balcony, and waited for the clod breeze, fog and alcohol to show their effects. After 2 cans of beer, Q started to open up (her mind, not clothes yet).
'how long do we know each other' She asked.
'I'll get you a new can' I replied. if you don't listen to what a girl is saying, she is either going to go mad at you or do anything to get your attention. This is a worth taking risk.
'No wait, answer.... no... go get one..... bacardi'
'you sure ? bacardi ?'i said. oooollllaaalllaaa bacardi. i thought.
'I am strong enough to have that' She said posing with her biceps.
'OK, as you wish.'I opened the door for the room.
'Wait, make it double' She tried to give me a tough look.
I bought her a double bacardi (almost triple) and stood with her, taking all the non-sense of the world.
I learnt that she is the youngest one in her family, she was most cared by her father. She wanted to be a painter, and visit europe(hollywood movies effect). But her dad was trying to marry her next year. I wasn't listening to all this, I overheard this while rolling the chicken sticks over bar-be-que.

Wait for the 4 part of this 5 part series. Thanks again for reading.