Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My Girl Friend, Basanti !!!

I am young, a youth member of this rising economy but I am not social scientist, not a social activist who stand with megha patkar, I am not a intellectual liberated youth instance who sips coffee and holds an opinion on everything from Union Budget to indo-pak on Baluchistan issue and to double India’s GDP over night. Actually I am a simple guy with views as superficial as John Abraham's acting skills and my understanding of social trends runs as short as the skirt of the kareena kapoor in kambakt ishq. But lately, I am beginning to notice the subtle extermination of a rather happy social species - The Single male

Having a girlfriend says two things about a guy

1. On a look index, guy ranks somewhere between Hrithik and Shahrukh

2. On a financial index, guy ranks somewhere between two ambani brothers

Not having a girlfriend also says two things about a guy

1. He is gay.

2. He is definitely gay.

Array yaar kuch to sharam karo, Abu Salem ki bhi girl friend hai and Mika, uski to do-do girlfriend hai. I mean Guys who aren't even close to respecting a woman have girlfriends. Its seems that every one is going around now days.

And this social development confuses me and poses an intriguing question - When everyone around me is "going around", and I am single, and not gay, why do I feel a girlfriend is a pretty (or not-so-pretty) friend who eats up personal independence and hikes up phone bills? To make things more rational, let me imagine I have a girlfriend, whom I shall call Basanti as a mark of respect to dream girl (Dharam pa ki) Hema Ji.

Now let me see how 'going around' with Basanti can scratch my life.

1. "Kis se baat kar raha tha?”

Basanti calls me up and finds my number to be busy. Basanti again calls me up after 1 min and 37 seconds again finds my number to be busy. She can’t wait any more she again calls me up after exactly 43 sec And even though she heard the pre recorded Reliance voice says "The number you are trying to call is currently busy. Please try after some time", but Basanti hears "The guy you are trying to call up is highly cheap. He is talking to Shruti right now and is expressing is undying love to her. He may claim he was talking to his mother. Don’t trust him."

Soon after I disconnect the call to ma, Basanti calls me up and before I can say a hello, yells a "Go to *****! And take Shruti along with you!" shattering my eardrum. The insecurity of Basanti. Sigh.

2."Wo kurti bhi pack kar deejiye and wo salwar bhi"

So it is second anniversary of the day me and Basanti first had sms each other and she expects a gift. It's not just a gift, but a sweet 'nishani' which carries the perfumed memories of that lovely day, she says. So I go over to the Palm Beach gallery and searched everything in girls compartment, while in my single days, I would have spent the same time watching CNBC. After a couple of hours, I finally buy a pink kurti which costs me more than the price from which I can come back from goa. All the gifts a Basanti demands/requests/expects.Sigh.

3. Sniff. Sniff.

A fine lazy Sunday afternoon. I lie on the couch flipping between ESPN and HBO. The phone rings.

Me: "hello?"

Basanti: "Sniff. Sniff."

Me: "Abbe kaun hai? agle saal bolega kya ?".

Basanti: "Sniff. It's me, calling from my colleague’s mobile, Basanti. Sniff.".

Me: "Oh ok. You have a cold?"

Basanti: "I am....crying. sob sob..”

Me: "Oh. It sounded just like a running nose though. And I saw Kambakt Ishq yesterday. The movie was so much terrible that even the chairs wanted to leave the hall."

Basanti: "You will never understand...sniff...sniff..."

The emotional intelligence and "understanding" a Basanti needs from me. Sigh.

4. "Mouth close karke kha!”

Me and Basanti are digging into a Grill Sandwich at the corner. While trying to balance a sandwich slice on its journey from the tray to my mouth, a particularly big onion piece slides off its surface and lands on the table with a plop.

Basanti: "Chee. Theek se kha na. Table manners!”

I scoop up the onion piece from the table with my finger put it in my mouth and say cheerfully:

“Table manners gaye bihar, sandwich khane de yaar"

Basanti: "Sheesh. You are disgusting".

While in my single days I could have asked for extra sauce and chatani to make the overall cost of the sandwich little bit lower and chew as noisily as a tractor engine, now I need to take care I don't embarrass the great manners ki dukaan, Basanti. The silly changes a Basanti demands from me. Sigh.

5. “Five missed calls and seventeen mails”

Sorry for the abrupt speed breaker, but chal wapas real world mein aa jata hoon. Actually I am in office but so much scared with the thoughts of Basanti that I couldn’t recognize call and mails. Hiaaalllaaaa…….three miss calls are from my manager……F***

About Basanti, I have around 197 more points I can write against her. But still, saara zamaana, girlfriend’s ka deewana, so there must be something good about Basanti. Just that I don't see it.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

C.R.A.P. - Command Reduction of Army Personnel

As a result of Defense budget cutbacks here in India, we are forced to reduce the size of the defense forces. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.

A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. The program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Soldiers who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Ministry of Defense. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous Defense Enlistment Association Forms (DEAF, currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).

Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase.

CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.

If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.

The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of SH*T our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more SH*T than any other service.

If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough SHIT, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

*** I do not intend to make mirth of Indian Armed Forces. This piece is not intended to portray any sort of disrespect to nation's defense forces valor and reputation. I hope you enjoy this article as a humorous piece.

Friday, March 5, 2010

You know you are from Delhi when...


1. You have faced power-cuts up to 10hours a day!
And yet, its no big deal for you.

2. Even though the hottest party spot/pub in town says "Admit Over 18, Drinks over 25" You have been inside and have enjoyed a beer, being underage.

3. Living in the most posh colonies, you get to hear, "Aloo, Bhindi Pyaaz, Tamatar le loo"... And you hear women asking the vegetable vendor "Bhaiyaa aapne free dhaniya nehi diya!" [Even with Half a kilo Carrot]

4. You have Driven rash and Broken Signals more times than you can count. Doesnt matter whether you have a license or not. :P

5. Every teenager knows atleast one "ghunda" on whose name he can jump around all day.

6. You have seen your relative or family member bribing a policeman at-least once.

7. You have been to Big Chill at-least once.

8. When a car accident occurs, instead of solving the problem quietly, either one of the drivers would start with.. "B******, meri gadi maar di, ab tu ruk, mein teri marta hoon" or something kinda.

9. In the 90's you have been to India Gate and around 2000-2002 you have been to Ansal Plaza more times than you can count.!

10. Mocha,CCD,Barista,Hookah,24x7 are like your favorite hangouts.

11. You just love socializing.

12. You speak or hear the word "setting" or "jugad" at-least once a day.

13. When you stare at a school bus, you see students talking of the phone, care free OR Chilling out listening songs on the Ipod. :P

14. A meter working in a Auto - Miracle! And hear statements like..
# Gas nahi hai
# Gaadi waapis dene ka time ho gaya
# Wahan se waapis ki sawaari nahi milti
# Wahan jaam (traffic jam) mein kaun fasega

15. All guys have at-least been to Pallika bazar and they all know why. Well, even the girls are starting now.

16. This is the place when you actually feel like slapping the same traffic policeman who caught you yesterday... Because today he's on his bike without a helmet or talking on the phone...

17. Qutub Minar, Red Fort, Lotus Temple are just for tourist. You havnt been to more than two of these.

18. You are bored of looking at the LONG queues at the CNG stations! And yeah. It add's up to the traffic.

19. You have an example of Delhi being unsafe for women after Midnight. And now even for men.

20. You wont be surprised if you find some old lady bargaining at a SALE.

21. Young or Old, You have played street football in the rains and have ended up breaking some glass. :P

22. You first abused real bad when you were around 10 years old.

23. Your Dad's really good friends with at least one Public Figure.

24. Library is virtually non-existent unless you go to British council or American Library or Max Mueller Bhavan

25. Deepavali means every house is illuminated to such an extent that you wonder if its a competition of illlumination and cracker bursting is so continuous that it is diffiult to imagine one moment of silence on Diwali.

26. You have had the most RANDOM plans. Like reaching for a movie show which starts at 1pm, at 12:55pm and just hoping that gods left some tickets for you and your friends.

27. You have been warned by your parents at-least once that going at public places like Malls, isnt safe, Cuz there might just a BOMB in that place.

28. You've had a ride on the cycle rickshaw - have haggled over the price but pity the rickshaw wallas' condition.

29. You glare at people who call Gol-Guppa's- Pani Puri!
And you always ask the vendor "Bhaiya yeh Gol-Guppe Aate ki hai ya Sooji ke?"

30. If in school, Your conti got busted by cops, teachers or a combination of both.

31. You've had school cancelled due to cold, summer vacations preponed due to heat and have atleast thrice evacuated your school building after tremors.

32. You've hit 120 kmph at Nelson Mandela Marg.
And after crossing it, you might end up saying " FEEL AA GAYE". OR, You have raced up the DND and taken the U turn back.

33. You have been to a wedding in a Mehrauli farmhouse and have hit Nasha later on.

34. You have taken the 10 rupee Call Center cab/ Qualis from anywhere to Gurgaon/Noida.

35. You have seen a child with crutches begging on the Red Light RUN fast when the light turns green!

36. Almost every Delhi-ite understands Punjabi to an extent. May he belong to any region. PUNJABI unites everyone :P

37. You call the waiter in the restaurant "boss" & tack on "yaar"/ "bhai" to almost every sentence.

38. Rajender Da Dhaba's got better chicken than Taj. :P You've atleast tried it once! And you just might see a BMW, a Porsche OR a Peugeot parked outside it!

39. You have surely heard of "Chor Bazar" but never been there.

40. You use the word and have described practically every other person on the planet as "Vella".

41. 'KAROBAR' = 'Car-O-Bar' i.e. drinking in the car....Hell yeah! thats what we live for! :P

42. You often see Middle Aged Aunties wearing Gucci shades and holding LV bags having Gol-Gappas in GK (Near Prince Pan) or Bhelpuri in South Ex along with Diet Coke !

43. Miranda house and CJM are two places where u'll see people from different school/colleges hang out.

44. In the 90s, movie at Chankaya, momos at Yashwant Place and Hot Choc Fudge at Nirula's = ULTIMATE Fun.

45. School students here, have gone to school, soo early in the morning, it being Dark!..REAL Dark And you've attended those 3am GROUP tuition's during your boards!
Haha.. Spookky! Lol.

46. Almost every Delhite has witnessed a DTC bus brawl turning into street fight.. Yet fun! OR the DTC bus overspeeding/breaking traffic rules/ or disc breaking.

47. You have probably been to Gurudwara Bangla Sahib @ 4 in the morning. Or even at 6 'cuz you were out on a day-bunk!

48. When everyone from the Auto Driver, Vegetable Vendor, Grocery Store guy, Watch-man, Salesperson to just any 'guy' is referred to here as 'Bhaiya'

49. You refer to East Delhi as Jamuna ke Us Paar.

50. You refer to AIIMS as Medical.

51. You dont buy tickets for a music concert or cricket match, but try to take the help of your friend's Dad, who happens to be the PA to the under secretary of the deputy secretary of the chief secretary of the Minister of State for Khadi.

52. You overtake everyone from the wrong side and stare into his/her eyes while doing so.

53. You call Gurgaon & NOIDA as illegitimate cousins of Delhi!

54. Most of you have at least two cars; your drivers have scooters and mobiles.

55. As soon someone tells you abut an important political development, you whip out your mobile and whisper into it as if you have access to the Prime Minister's OFFICE!

56. You know that a famhouse has nothing to do with cattle or farming.

57. You used "contacts" for everything, from getting movie tickets to restaurant bookings to playschool admissions.

58. You didn't find 'Monsoon Wedding' funny. And Laughed your ass off when you watched 'Dilli 6'

59. You've probably used the word 'Tota' to describe ANY Random-Hot-Chick that just passed by! 'Phew!

60. You have had Anda parantha outside Vikram hotel and Bun Omelet at Dhaula Kuan at least once!

61. When Aunties go to drop their kids to the Bus-Stop in a Night Gown with a Duppatta.

62. When you think EVERY South Indian comes from 'Madras'. No Offense.

63. When you have an uncle in every SARKARI department!

64. When If your side of the road has a traffic jam, then you start driving on the wrong side of the road.

65. You think If there is a queue of many people, no one will notice me sneaking into the front as long as I am looking the other way.

66. You feel, If I indicate which way I am going to turn my vehicle, it is an information security leak.

67. When the only time you went to the Chidiya Ghar (Zoo) was on a school picnic.

68. One of your favorite yummiest ice-creams was "ORANGE - BAR"

69. You have been stuck in 'Nariana' due to the traffic for over 4 hours! 'Phew!

70. When you feel lucky enough to have around 10 LOCAL FM STATIONS! Woho.!

71. When you wonder... 'Ki Delhi Mein passes chapwane ki kya zarurat hai? Yahan Sab to VVIP hai!'

72. As a college student (DU or otherwise), u've been to one of those day parties (12-5pm) at a happening disc for Rs.200.

73. You see like a million kids playing cricket together on one field on any given sunday morning .. There are wickets every 10 feet .. and u've seen at least one guy get whacked by a ball from sum other match.

74. You long for rain but the moment you're on the road you wish it would go away.

75. When you have enjoyed stuff from -"Aangan" restaurant in Karol bagh.. wahan ke chhole bhature ultimate! & 'Atul Chat Bhandar' some where around India gate.

76. When you've been on a sneak with your buddies and ended up going to Pandara Road @ 2am when you were 'effin hungry!

77. Your pet line - "Kya scene hai aaj ka?"

78. You've had Ice Creams from India gate along with family/friends in the late evening & and have tried at least ONCE - "Lovely Chuski"

79. You've seen 'cool' people drive around in a Maruti 800 (borrowed from your Dad or a friend) with Western/Pop music blaring at its loudest from the the car stereo altough you hardly understand the lyrics yourself.

80. Almost anyone exept a Delhi-ite is a "Chutiya" (sorry for the word to all my posh freinds.....).

81. DESPITE of all the goods and bads.
You still Love Delhi. =]

And you want more.